The second incarnation of my blog
I found a list of (mostly) one liners and have edited the awful jokes out to leave a selection for your chuckle bones:
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Oh no, not you again!”.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Well, we’ll see about that!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
‘I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”‘
‘I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.’
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’